I Formed A Blog

Vampires. I want to talk about Vampires. I think there's always been an obsession with the supernatural in the western world, from zombies to werewolves, pixies to Jesus. There have always been films and telly about Vampires but unless you're a Fritzl sibling it won't have escaped your attention that over the last couple of years it's gone mental (I know they're no longer in that dungeon, but I reckon she's just got more on her plate than Sky-Plus-ing 'Angel').

I guess the modern infatuation was born out of the embers of 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer', which really went for that 'does exactly what it says on the tin' angle when they were naming it, in that it's about a girl, called Buffy, who slays Vampires. Revolutionary, if anything, as this seems to have really caught on in the Channel 4 Naming Telly Programmes Department, given there's not an evening goes by without them screening something along the lines of 'Dispatches : The Child Who Ate His Face To Death' as they continue to cater to the 'fucking thick as pig-shit' demographic.

I seem to remember being quite into Buffy, or at least I was conned into liking it. I remember the girlfriend at the time was crackers about it, and would watch the box sets for hours on end, so you just end up getting involved, don't you? Now, I'm not preaching here. It's not like I would glance up from a dog-eared copy of 'A Brief History Of Time' to ask 'so which one is Xander? Is he the one off of the Nescafe adverts?'. I happen to think shit telly is infinitely better than good telly and if it's a toss up between Newsnight and a repeat of Celebrity Wife Swap I've already seen, I'm picking the latter. What I'm trying to say is, I'm ignorant.

But at least Buffy had some balls about it, and I THINK it was funny, but I can't be certain. Anyway, I saw the appeal, I got into it.

What Hollywood took, and more importantly Stephenie Meyer, from this is that you can now sell Vampires to girls. Stephenie Meyer is the 'author' of the phenomena known as The Twilight Saga. Up until recently I managed to avoid the whole thing without even trying but it seemed to become so ingrained in modern pop culture you sort of had to. And, and it's a big AND, girls go mental for it, which is probably the real reason I saw it rather than the pithy, populist pish I spouted a mere 8 seconds ago.

Now I've seen both the films, 'Twilight' and 'New Moon' with different girls in the last couple of weeks, the latter at the cinema, and you sort of have to see them in the cinema. Not for the special effects (which are shite) more to experience the sycophancy first hand. Have you ever heard an audible swoon? Well I have, and it's fucking weird. I get it, right, he's handsome, but apparently so attractive not one girl in the audience seems to have noticed what a massive twat he is, in both films. A rude, obnoxious, banterless dullard. Jealous? Fucking right I am. Just imagine the shit you could get away with if you had a jawline. But his overall gimpness also seems to have escaped the attention of our 'heroine', Bella.

Bella is attractive in that sort of not really attractive way. That sort of not completely, obviously fit but that 'I reckon I could pull her' sort of way. But you wouldn't want to because she is also a massive twat, who is so pathetic that she puts feminism back 40 years.

Now, I get why girls like it. It's the unrequited love thing, right? The love that dare not speak it's name. It's, of course, a complete rip from Romeo & Juliet, but I'm not going to have a pop for that because this is hardly the first and it's certainly not the last to ape Shakespeare. But I would have thought the whole point was you're supposed to be rooting for the couple in question, that's how it works. This pair are so painfully morose that you kind of think 'you know what? you two probably shouldn't see each other anymore'. If he was a mate you'd take him for a pint and subtly suggest she's not right for him, and like to think her mates are doing the same. They just don't seem to have any fun. I want to lend them twenty quid and suggest 'here, you pair, go fucking bowling or something and lighten the fuck up'.

I'm not going to review the films. One, because it would take ages, anger me and bore you, and two, I'm not Barry Norman. Those films are just the tip of the iceberg as Hollywood and telly continue to rape the Vampire movie format, from Dracula to Duckula, and make them all an Asda-Price Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Twilight, though, is properly terrible, I think I've made that much clear. And I for one am looking forward to the third one.

Here, have a song. I'm sorry still don't know how to embed links.

Get on them moves

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1odvp-_bhk

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