well tonight thank god it's them...instead of you.

Hmmm. Just repeat that back to yourself. Tonight, thank God it's them, instead of you. Its the most famous line from one the most famous Christmas number 1 singles of all time and with the conviction with which Bono sings it you can't help but think 'Wow, that's a big, bold, earth shaking statement'. But, really, if you overheard that in conversation in a pub you'd be well within your rights to think 'dickhead'.

'Look at this, these Africans, starving they are'

'I just thank God it's them (THEM!) and not me'

It's a line as self-serving as the whole project itself was to the pop stars du jour, and which begs the question, if you've got this direct line to the Almighty and you are hell bent on thanking Him for making the African's hungry, and not you, why not have a word in his shell-like about that whole African hooplah and see if there's anything he can do about it,

'What's that you say? Put on a concert? In London? And invite Status Quo?'

'If you book them, they will come'.

But this isn't what I wanted to talk about. Unless you aren't, you know, just getting on with your life, it can't have escaped your attention that for the first time in a few years there is a genuine race for the Christmas number 1 spot. In one corner we've got the angel of the north, clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, geordie Joe and in the other fat, goth favourites, Rage Against The Machine - in the most pointless facebook group campaign since '3 of your friends became a fan of wearing a coat when it's cold outside'.

In a bid to be wacky, these craic vacuums have decided that the only way to stick it to Cowell et al and his four year domination of the Christmas top spot is to, en masse, download a copy of a gash song, by a pointless band who so happen to be on the same record label as the new crown prince of the housewives, geordie Joe.

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me, indeed.

I sort of get where the agenda evolved from, 'give us back our Christmas number 1. Eey, in my day it meant something'. That's fine, but when exactly was the last one that was actually, you know, about Christmas? Band Aid 20 can fuck right off. Immediate disqualification for being a cover of a song that purposely mocks hungry Africans,

'And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift
they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?'

Not content with telling us he can't be arsed with Vienna, he's having a pop at Africa's climate and overall festive ignorance. The tourist board are fucking livid with Midge Ure.

Plus we were bullied into buying Band Aid 20. I think Midge felt really bad about what he said so decided to give all the money to Africa and we all had to put our hands in our pockets. No one bought that single cos they thought it was good.

No, no, that one doesn't count. It's nearly 20 years since there was an actual Christmas song that was Christmas number 1. The king of the charts, and overall luminous, goof-toothed eunuch, Sir Cliff with 1990's 'Saviour's Day'. Nah, me neither.

Let's be honest, the 70's wins the battle of the decades. Slade, Mud, Jonny Mathis, Wings, Boney M (yeah it's a cover, but I'll allow it for combining the winning formula of being ridiculous and actually being about 'Christymoose'), and who can forget Benny Hill's 'Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)'? That was truly the golden age of the Christmas number 1, and I could quite happily get on board with the anti-Cowell campaign to back one of these (probably not Wings, cos, you know, it's shite).

Geordie Joe or Rage Against The Machine is akin to bald men fighting over a comb. The value, outside of monetary for the label, of the Christmas number 1 has indeed been lost, and no amount of facebook groups is going to change that. Remember Gary Jules' 'Mad World'? That was an upbeat little ditty wasn't it? But rest easy with this geordie Joe; 'Fairytale Of New York' and 'Last Christmas' were both beaten to the top spot - the former by Pet Shop Boys 'Always On My Mind' (non-Christmas cover) and the latter by Band Aid (have I mentioned how I feel about that?). So, geordie Joe, if you do get beaten to it by a white man with dreadlocks think only this...

Which Christmas songs only make the number 2 spot? The best ones

ta x

Merry Christmas

I Formed A Blog

Vampires. I want to talk about Vampires. I think there's always been an obsession with the supernatural in the western world, from zombies to werewolves, pixies to Jesus. There have always been films and telly about Vampires but unless you're a Fritzl sibling it won't have escaped your attention that over the last couple of years it's gone mental (I know they're no longer in that dungeon, but I reckon she's just got more on her plate than Sky-Plus-ing 'Angel').

I guess the modern infatuation was born out of the embers of 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer', which really went for that 'does exactly what it says on the tin' angle when they were naming it, in that it's about a girl, called Buffy, who slays Vampires. Revolutionary, if anything, as this seems to have really caught on in the Channel 4 Naming Telly Programmes Department, given there's not an evening goes by without them screening something along the lines of 'Dispatches : The Child Who Ate His Face To Death' as they continue to cater to the 'fucking thick as pig-shit' demographic.

I seem to remember being quite into Buffy, or at least I was conned into liking it. I remember the girlfriend at the time was crackers about it, and would watch the box sets for hours on end, so you just end up getting involved, don't you? Now, I'm not preaching here. It's not like I would glance up from a dog-eared copy of 'A Brief History Of Time' to ask 'so which one is Xander? Is he the one off of the Nescafe adverts?'. I happen to think shit telly is infinitely better than good telly and if it's a toss up between Newsnight and a repeat of Celebrity Wife Swap I've already seen, I'm picking the latter. What I'm trying to say is, I'm ignorant.

But at least Buffy had some balls about it, and I THINK it was funny, but I can't be certain. Anyway, I saw the appeal, I got into it.

What Hollywood took, and more importantly Stephenie Meyer, from this is that you can now sell Vampires to girls. Stephenie Meyer is the 'author' of the phenomena known as The Twilight Saga. Up until recently I managed to avoid the whole thing without even trying but it seemed to become so ingrained in modern pop culture you sort of had to. And, and it's a big AND, girls go mental for it, which is probably the real reason I saw it rather than the pithy, populist pish I spouted a mere 8 seconds ago.

Now I've seen both the films, 'Twilight' and 'New Moon' with different girls in the last couple of weeks, the latter at the cinema, and you sort of have to see them in the cinema. Not for the special effects (which are shite) more to experience the sycophancy first hand. Have you ever heard an audible swoon? Well I have, and it's fucking weird. I get it, right, he's handsome, but apparently so attractive not one girl in the audience seems to have noticed what a massive twat he is, in both films. A rude, obnoxious, banterless dullard. Jealous? Fucking right I am. Just imagine the shit you could get away with if you had a jawline. But his overall gimpness also seems to have escaped the attention of our 'heroine', Bella.

Bella is attractive in that sort of not really attractive way. That sort of not completely, obviously fit but that 'I reckon I could pull her' sort of way. But you wouldn't want to because she is also a massive twat, who is so pathetic that she puts feminism back 40 years.

Now, I get why girls like it. It's the unrequited love thing, right? The love that dare not speak it's name. It's, of course, a complete rip from Romeo & Juliet, but I'm not going to have a pop for that because this is hardly the first and it's certainly not the last to ape Shakespeare. But I would have thought the whole point was you're supposed to be rooting for the couple in question, that's how it works. This pair are so painfully morose that you kind of think 'you know what? you two probably shouldn't see each other anymore'. If he was a mate you'd take him for a pint and subtly suggest she's not right for him, and like to think her mates are doing the same. They just don't seem to have any fun. I want to lend them twenty quid and suggest 'here, you pair, go fucking bowling or something and lighten the fuck up'.

I'm not going to review the films. One, because it would take ages, anger me and bore you, and two, I'm not Barry Norman. Those films are just the tip of the iceberg as Hollywood and telly continue to rape the Vampire movie format, from Dracula to Duckula, and make them all an Asda-Price Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Twilight, though, is properly terrible, I think I've made that much clear. And I for one am looking forward to the third one.

Here, have a song. I'm sorry still don't know how to embed links.

Get on them moves

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1odvp-_bhk

ta x

My First Blog IV : A New Hope

Hello internets,

So there are probably more blogs than there are people, or something like that, so why am I bothering? Because I've got something to say? Because I'm going to use it as a cynical, marketing tool to promote whatever beat combo happens to have a record out that week? The simple answer is probably exactly the same as why 99% of personal blogs are written. Vanity. Good ol' fashioned vanity.

The first 'blog' is always going to be a bag of wank so I'm trying to get it out of the way so I can crack on with being 'hilarious' in the coming weeks. I've called it Seven Days Too Long after my favourite Northern Soul tune, and because the intial plan is to contribute every seven days, or something like that. Clever, right?

It's more than likely going to read like a poorly researched, tesco-value Charlie Brooker more than anything, but if it stops me posting 17 facebook status updates an hour then better for everyone involved I reckon. I'd say it's about telly, football, music and girls, but that's a lie cos it's about me. And there's your vanity.

Right, that's the first, introduction blog out of the way. I hated every minute of writing that. I promise to be better, I rarely make a good first impression. For that reason I'm going to leap straight into blog 2. Lucky cunts.

For anyone that may be interested I'm Ryan. I have ginger hair, but not that sort of ginger where you look like you've been bathing in dirty, ice-water and your veins are considered an accessory. Like Florence and the Machine or Bianca off of Eastenders. I'll talk about Eastenders an awful lot you'll find. When I'm not thinking about anything else I'll, more often than not, be thinking about Eastenders. I'm somewhere between 64% and 71% attractive, and not a penny more. I try to dress, walk and talk like I'm from Manchester and often walk out of the hairdressers hoping someone will say 'you look just like Liam Gallagher in the Lyla video'. It's never happened.

That's sort of all you need to know about me for now, onwards with the first actual blog proper. That one doesn't count.

And if you're ever feeling down, look at the picture of the waving, chinese children and listen to this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6eTor8RRBbU

ta x