well tonight thank god it's them...instead of you.

Hmmm. Just repeat that back to yourself. Tonight, thank God it's them, instead of you. Its the most famous line from one the most famous Christmas number 1 singles of all time and with the conviction with which Bono sings it you can't help but think 'Wow, that's a big, bold, earth shaking statement'. But, really, if you overheard that in conversation in a pub you'd be well within your rights to think 'dickhead'.

'Look at this, these Africans, starving they are'

'I just thank God it's them (THEM!) and not me'

It's a line as self-serving as the whole project itself was to the pop stars du jour, and which begs the question, if you've got this direct line to the Almighty and you are hell bent on thanking Him for making the African's hungry, and not you, why not have a word in his shell-like about that whole African hooplah and see if there's anything he can do about it,

'What's that you say? Put on a concert? In London? And invite Status Quo?'

'If you book them, they will come'.

But this isn't what I wanted to talk about. Unless you aren't, you know, just getting on with your life, it can't have escaped your attention that for the first time in a few years there is a genuine race for the Christmas number 1 spot. In one corner we've got the angel of the north, clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, geordie Joe and in the other fat, goth favourites, Rage Against The Machine - in the most pointless facebook group campaign since '3 of your friends became a fan of wearing a coat when it's cold outside'.

In a bid to be wacky, these craic vacuums have decided that the only way to stick it to Cowell et al and his four year domination of the Christmas top spot is to, en masse, download a copy of a gash song, by a pointless band who so happen to be on the same record label as the new crown prince of the housewives, geordie Joe.

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me, indeed.

I sort of get where the agenda evolved from, 'give us back our Christmas number 1. Eey, in my day it meant something'. That's fine, but when exactly was the last one that was actually, you know, about Christmas? Band Aid 20 can fuck right off. Immediate disqualification for being a cover of a song that purposely mocks hungry Africans,

'And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift
they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?'

Not content with telling us he can't be arsed with Vienna, he's having a pop at Africa's climate and overall festive ignorance. The tourist board are fucking livid with Midge Ure.

Plus we were bullied into buying Band Aid 20. I think Midge felt really bad about what he said so decided to give all the money to Africa and we all had to put our hands in our pockets. No one bought that single cos they thought it was good.

No, no, that one doesn't count. It's nearly 20 years since there was an actual Christmas song that was Christmas number 1. The king of the charts, and overall luminous, goof-toothed eunuch, Sir Cliff with 1990's 'Saviour's Day'. Nah, me neither.

Let's be honest, the 70's wins the battle of the decades. Slade, Mud, Jonny Mathis, Wings, Boney M (yeah it's a cover, but I'll allow it for combining the winning formula of being ridiculous and actually being about 'Christymoose'), and who can forget Benny Hill's 'Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)'? That was truly the golden age of the Christmas number 1, and I could quite happily get on board with the anti-Cowell campaign to back one of these (probably not Wings, cos, you know, it's shite).

Geordie Joe or Rage Against The Machine is akin to bald men fighting over a comb. The value, outside of monetary for the label, of the Christmas number 1 has indeed been lost, and no amount of facebook groups is going to change that. Remember Gary Jules' 'Mad World'? That was an upbeat little ditty wasn't it? But rest easy with this geordie Joe; 'Fairytale Of New York' and 'Last Christmas' were both beaten to the top spot - the former by Pet Shop Boys 'Always On My Mind' (non-Christmas cover) and the latter by Band Aid (have I mentioned how I feel about that?). So, geordie Joe, if you do get beaten to it by a white man with dreadlocks think only this...

Which Christmas songs only make the number 2 spot? The best ones

ta x

Merry Christmas